“a girl with many faults”
December 2
The first Thursday of the month — a priestly Thursday. During the interview, the Sister read to Conchita some edifying letters from priests.
— Before the Virgin told me about it, I thought that all priests were good. It had never occurred to me that they could commit mortal sins too.
I have known many . . . Some appeared holy to me in the beginning; later I saw things that I didn't like. I learned later how people can be deceived. At first I was very friendly to all, but on noticing that my trust was badly interpreted, I changed.
Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone among the persons that I know who really loves me. Many compliments, many endearing phrases, but they want me for themselves. I saw that even the priests got angry with each other in order to have a bigger part or involvement with me . . . I'm ashamed that they praise me, and I'm pleased that they tell me what I do wrong.
December 3
The Sister read and explained the parable of the Good Shepherd. On this occasion, Conchita was confiding the memories of her life from early youth, with peace and joy . . . She ended this way:
— Everything that happened I see now as if in a dream — the apparitions, the people . . . I'm sorry that many doubt the apparitions because of my denials. It occurs to me that, although I denied, I would still like to say, Have hope! Don't be discouraged. I think that the three other girls feel the same.
When I think about the Virgin, I picture her as something I dreamed. How nice it would be if now she would come here in this parlor with the two of us! What a joy! It isn't necessary to be perfect to see her. I have been a girl with many faults. On the day on which the Angel appeared to us, I had just fought with Jacinta. And I see that today I still don't like to pray. She comes to make us good . . .
If you could see how human the Virgin is! Sometimes she comically repeated our badly spoken expressions, and she did this in order that we might have confidence. But we had it from the first moment.
Now I have doubts about many things; but what I don't feel the least doubt about are the calls. I remember them perfectly, and moreover, as if I were feeling them right now.
December 6
— We have not always been treated well. Sometimes they said outrageous things about us, and they insulted us. How many times I had to listen to outright lies about us!
— When they acted this way, did it bother you?
— No, I remained quite calm. Actually I was not hurt; and it was this way with the four of us. I don't know the cause. That they say nasty things to me doesn't matter to me; it humiliates you much more when they flatter you.
I don't feel rancor or hate toward anyone. When the priests of the Commission or those in charge of us attacked us, and the others became angry because of this, I did not. I thought that they had to act like this; and I loved them. I love very much the people who seem good, pious; and also I love those who are sick, and those who live their vocation or, having a vocation, are not able to attain it. Perhaps, after the Miracle, I also will be able to become a nun. What a pleasure that would be!(8)
January 27, 1967
Because of certain rumors, the Sister asked Conchita about her diary:
— Did you write the diary about the apparitions on your own or did they tell you to do it?
— A priest told me that the Bishop said I should write it.
— You never speak of your conversations with the Virgin.
— What for? We said such stupidities . . . Nevertheless, she never reprimanded us for it; she listened. One day we asked her something serious: What we should do to practice penance. She answered us, Always do what your conscience tells you. She didn't say anything else. I seem to remember also that once she told Loli to obey her mother.
January 31
Certain persons had brought water from somewhere or other, and also some relics for Conchita. When the Sister in doing her job was giving them to her, saying that a visionary had brought them, Conchita told her . . .
— It seems that you don't believe anything about this. I don't have much faith in seers either, without denying that some are true.
— For me not to believe much in these things is logical, but for you that . . .
— That is something very different! I don't know how to explain it; but it's not the same.
— They said that this visionary sent a message to your mother, saying harsh things, and that you threw it away. Why? . . .
— She said that my mother was acting very bad toward me . . . The Virgin didn't say that!
— She is more kind, is that right?
— Oh yes! She would never say that.
March 2
— Whenever we prayed the Gloria, the Virgin bowed her head.
— Did she rest standing on top of the Pines?
— We didn't see the Pines or anything else. We only saw her.
April 10
Many things had occurred during the previous weeks, for example, the «Nota» of Bishop Puchol, dated March 17th. This had greatly affected the Sister; and to a lesser degree, Conchita, who was able to notice the effect of the «Nota» in the village, where she spent her Holy Week vacation.(9)
That April 10th an issue of La Gaceta Ilustrada had fallen into her hands, publishing a pitiless article by the reporter Julio Poo San Román of Santander, speaking out against the events and visionaries of Garabandal.
— How did this article affect you?
— It's very bad. There are many lies in it. For example, it says that I didn't want the Bishop to inform the people about my denials, and the truth is that I myself asked them to make it known so that I would be more at peace with myself that way. What makes me suffer is that the people now look on us in a bad way . . .
I have only one desire: That the date of the Miracle come — not for the Miracle itself, but in order to see once and for all if it is true or not. If it has been the Virgin, the Miracle will take place, because what she says is always fulfilled. As for myself, regardless of whether the Miracle takes place or doesn't take place, it will always be bad for me.
— Why is that?
— If the thing is true — for having acted badly, denying and not being generous. And if it isn't true . . . well for everything!
If what happened to us, being good little girls, hasn't been supernatural, and God has permitted it to happen with the consequences that can result, then I couldn't believe that God is good. And my mother and brothers could never believe it.
The Sister advanced some explanations in order to clear up a problem and Conchita replied:
— I don't know the first two cases that you mentioned, since we didn't begin with a lie, and I can assure you that we made no agreement among ourselves.
— And what followed?
— It was the same as at the beginning. It isn't true that we rehearsed this! How could they think and say that?
— Then I see clearly that these things did not come from you girls.
— I don't know how they came. I see everything darkly. What is clear to me is that we didn't plan them.
The first Thursday of the month — a priestly Thursday. During the interview, the Sister read to Conchita some edifying letters from priests.
— Before the Virgin told me about it, I thought that all priests were good. It had never occurred to me that they could commit mortal sins too.
I have known many . . . Some appeared holy to me in the beginning; later I saw things that I didn't like. I learned later how people can be deceived. At first I was very friendly to all, but on noticing that my trust was badly interpreted, I changed.
- - -
Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone among the persons that I know who really loves me. Many compliments, many endearing phrases, but they want me for themselves. I saw that even the priests got angry with each other in order to have a bigger part or involvement with me . . . I'm ashamed that they praise me, and I'm pleased that they tell me what I do wrong.
December 3
The Sister read and explained the parable of the Good Shepherd. On this occasion, Conchita was confiding the memories of her life from early youth, with peace and joy . . . She ended this way:
— Everything that happened I see now as if in a dream — the apparitions, the people . . . I'm sorry that many doubt the apparitions because of my denials. It occurs to me that, although I denied, I would still like to say, Have hope! Don't be discouraged. I think that the three other girls feel the same.
When I think about the Virgin, I picture her as something I dreamed. How nice it would be if now she would come here in this parlor with the two of us! What a joy! It isn't necessary to be perfect to see her. I have been a girl with many faults. On the day on which the Angel appeared to us, I had just fought with Jacinta. And I see that today I still don't like to pray. She comes to make us good . . .
If you could see how human the Virgin is! Sometimes she comically repeated our badly spoken expressions, and she did this in order that we might have confidence. But we had it from the first moment.
Now I have doubts about many things; but what I don't feel the least doubt about are the calls. I remember them perfectly, and moreover, as if I were feeling them right now.
December 6
— We have not always been treated well. Sometimes they said outrageous things about us, and they insulted us. How many times I had to listen to outright lies about us!
— When they acted this way, did it bother you?
— No, I remained quite calm. Actually I was not hurt; and it was this way with the four of us. I don't know the cause. That they say nasty things to me doesn't matter to me; it humiliates you much more when they flatter you.
I don't feel rancor or hate toward anyone. When the priests of the Commission or those in charge of us attacked us, and the others became angry because of this, I did not. I thought that they had to act like this; and I loved them. I love very much the people who seem good, pious; and also I love those who are sick, and those who live their vocation or, having a vocation, are not able to attain it. Perhaps, after the Miracle, I also will be able to become a nun. What a pleasure that would be!(8)
January 27, 1967
Because of certain rumors, the Sister asked Conchita about her diary:
— Did you write the diary about the apparitions on your own or did they tell you to do it?
— A priest told me that the Bishop said I should write it.
— You never speak of your conversations with the Virgin.
— What for? We said such stupidities . . . Nevertheless, she never reprimanded us for it; she listened. One day we asked her something serious: What we should do to practice penance. She answered us, Always do what your conscience tells you. She didn't say anything else. I seem to remember also that once she told Loli to obey her mother.
January 31
Certain persons had brought water from somewhere or other, and also some relics for Conchita. When the Sister in doing her job was giving them to her, saying that a visionary had brought them, Conchita told her . . .
— It seems that you don't believe anything about this. I don't have much faith in seers either, without denying that some are true.
— For me not to believe much in these things is logical, but for you that . . .
— That is something very different! I don't know how to explain it; but it's not the same.
— They said that this visionary sent a message to your mother, saying harsh things, and that you threw it away. Why? . . .
— She said that my mother was acting very bad toward me . . . The Virgin didn't say that!
— She is more kind, is that right?
— Oh yes! She would never say that.
March 2
— Whenever we prayed the Gloria, the Virgin bowed her head.
— Did she rest standing on top of the Pines?
— We didn't see the Pines or anything else. We only saw her.
April 10
Many things had occurred during the previous weeks, for example, the «Nota» of Bishop Puchol, dated March 17th. This had greatly affected the Sister; and to a lesser degree, Conchita, who was able to notice the effect of the «Nota» in the village, where she spent her Holy Week vacation.(9)
That April 10th an issue of La Gaceta Ilustrada had fallen into her hands, publishing a pitiless article by the reporter Julio Poo San Román of Santander, speaking out against the events and visionaries of Garabandal.
— How did this article affect you?
— It's very bad. There are many lies in it. For example, it says that I didn't want the Bishop to inform the people about my denials, and the truth is that I myself asked them to make it known so that I would be more at peace with myself that way. What makes me suffer is that the people now look on us in a bad way . . .
I have only one desire: That the date of the Miracle come — not for the Miracle itself, but in order to see once and for all if it is true or not. If it has been the Virgin, the Miracle will take place, because what she says is always fulfilled. As for myself, regardless of whether the Miracle takes place or doesn't take place, it will always be bad for me.
— Why is that?
— If the thing is true — for having acted badly, denying and not being generous. And if it isn't true . . . well for everything!
If what happened to us, being good little girls, hasn't been supernatural, and God has permitted it to happen with the consequences that can result, then I couldn't believe that God is good. And my mother and brothers could never believe it.
The Sister advanced some explanations in order to clear up a problem and Conchita replied:
— I don't know the first two cases that you mentioned, since we didn't begin with a lie, and I can assure you that we made no agreement among ourselves.
— And what followed?
— It was the same as at the beginning. It isn't true that we rehearsed this! How could they think and say that?
— Then I see clearly that these things did not come from you girls.
— I don't know how they came. I see everything darkly. What is clear to me is that we didn't plan them.
8. Conchita spent the Christmas holiday in the village with her family.
9. This «Nota» given to all news media by the Bishop of Santander, Vicente Puchol, intended to obliterate as false everything about Garabandal.
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